Here at Anything Zombie, we want to prepare you for the Zombie Apocalypse.
Therefore, we watched Zombieland 33 times to make sure we understood Columbus’s 33 rules for survival when the zombies attack. Columbus comes up with these rules to keep himself and his companions safe while trekking across the country. Because they work, we’ve gathered them all here in one place for you.
We explored every nuance of the film and distilled it to this list, expanding on the rules with helpful suggestions. While you may want to watch the film, once, twice, or even three times – reading, memorizing, and living this list will keep you safe.
These rules offer practical guidelines.
In the apocalypse, nobody has time for uselessly vague rules like “follow your passion,” “lead with your heart,” or “put your best foot forward.” Consider this a crash-course in zombie survival – with training on conditioning, safety, and knowing who you can trust. We only offer practical advice, such as the proper way to execute a zombie, staying focused, and changing your underwear.
Post these rules on your bathroom mirror. Memorize them. Make sure you can execute them. Have your zombie go-bag packed. When the apocalypse hits, remember the rules. They may save your life.
Most zombies are slow, but there’s a whole lot of them to run from. Plus, you may find yourself needing to outsprint a faster zombie, or even the dreaded zombie dog! If you can’t be faster than the zombies, at least be faster than your friends. Log some miles and run some sprints. Your life depends on it!
Always make sure with a clean shot to the brain. But stay out of arm’s reach as you execute the double-tap. You don’t want a zombie’s hand on your ankle as you shoot. It may throw off your aim and mess up your pants leg.
Always be cautious when entering the “facilities”. They like to sit on the basin with their feet on the bowl, waiting to grab you as you open the door or stand at the sink. Make sure the restroom is clear. Better yet, use a tree outside.
You need to remember how to have fun without twitching at every noise. Escape Room Z is the best way for you and your buddies to unwind after a long day of escaping zombies. It also gives you a low energy way to improve your anti-zombie skills. (We played Escape Room Z and had a blast! Check out my review)
Make sure you’re buckled-in secure, just in case. Getting ejected from a car will turn you into zombie fodder faster than you can say “brain dead.” And you don’t want the last thing you ever see to be the mouth of a zombie as he pulls you off the steering wheel and out the window. Buckle up! It saves lives.
That’s the way of the world in the apocalypse. So don’t get too attached to your travel buddies. You may be blowing their brains out in the end. No matter how many times you promise each other, in heartfelt tones over cans of pork ‘n beans, to blow each other’s brains out, you may hesitate a second too long when the time comes. You’re in this to survive, not make the next Lifetime movie.
One good swat to the head, then a double-tap. Best recipe around.
You never know when you’re going to have to pick up and go in a hurry. No framed pictures, no teddy bears, and no trophies from 10-year-old baseball. Sentimental feelings get you killed. If it does not keep you alive, ditch it.
Chuck Norris works best. Zombies see him and kill themselves. If you can’t find Chuck, find someone with a few notches on their belt (and gun, and water bottle, and backpack).
Do you really wanna touch these undead freaks with your bare skin? You would touch a zombie with a 10-foot pole, but not with your hands. The farther away they are when they splatter, the better.
That’s where you wanna aim. Remember, zombies don’t feel pain. They’re either dead (a good zombie) or ‘alive’ (a bad zombie). Go for the kill shot.
Your feet are always something you should take full advantage of. See Rule #1. Your feet can save you, but only if properly trained. Also, see Rule #9. Running beats kicking a zombie any day.
Always carry these for messes, big or small. They’re the quicker picker-upper. They handle blood, gore, and puke better than other leading brands.
Stay focused. Stay in the moment. Only worry about what is right in front of you, especially if it is a zombie. Anything else, shake it off, forget about it, and move on. Your survival depends on it, grasshopper.
See Rules #12 and #30 as well. Once you’ve escaped the zombies, you might prefer a more relaxing, fresh feeling.
Just watch out for the 7-10 split. If you focus too much on the leader of the pack, the ones on the outside may run you down, split you open, and leave you in the gutter.
But only answer opportunity, not a zombie. Be sure you know what is on the other side of the door before you answer. If you see a zombie and have to answer, do so with a gun or black iron skillet.
No high score exists in the zombie apocalypse. You will not find a leaderboard. There are no points. You win by staying alive. Showing off eventually leads to your gruesome death.
And a pulled muscle will end with you pulled apart. Stretch constantly, like a cat. Zombies will not wait five minutes for you to complete a warm-up routine.
If the zombie apocalypse has you all stressed out, just break something. Just make sure it’s not anything important. Break a stick, a clod of dirt, or the framed picture of your Aunt Linda that you should not have in your pack anyway (see Rule #7). Do not break weapons, water bottles, or your travel companion’s noggin.
(Looking for a less-destructive stress-release to pass the time? Try a thrilling zombie escape room adventure!)
Hopefully, you performed your cardio workouts. If not, this could be the shortest (and last) sprint you ever run.
Without seeing what dangers surround you, you could easily fall prey to a zombie… plus… it’s way more ‘icky’ in there now that everyone’s dead…
You never know when you might have to run. Never, never, hole up in an area you don’t know. Research your terrain. Before doing anything, make sure you find the nearest exit. Remember, the nearest exit may be behind your seat. Failing to know how to escape may prevent escape.
They help keep moisture out, so it’s always good to have them handy. Put your phone in one to keep it dry when you cross a creek. Put your snack bars in another. Your copy of How to Survive Zombies Without Looking Like One in another. Never your weapon. You need it available in case you get surprised.
They’re useful for grabbing things, like guns and black iron skillets.
What are you planning? Will you place the zombie under a bright light and play good cop/bad cop? Are you looking for the location of the hidden zombie plans for world domination? Will you ask the zombie to take you to its leader? Shoot! Then, shoot again!
Besides, the smell of sunburned flesh will summon zombies faster than flowers attract bees.
You never know what could come out of nowhere. You need eyes in the back of your head. No headphones or loud music. No white noise. No binging zombie shows on Netflix. You need to be alert 24/7.
Velcro laces work well too. You don’t want to see, in your last moment on earth, your untied shoestrings dangling while zombies bite your legs. Safety first!
See Rule #27. At some point, you will need to sleep. One of you must always be on guard. If you try to go it alone, you could end up with a zombie alarm clock.
Zombies can smell blood, so you don’t want it on your clothes. Also, you may not be a zombie, so you certainly don’t want to look and smell like one, right?
Check before you enter the car, not after. They’re sneaky, not bright. A quick glance should tell you whether you can enter. A failure to glance and your head will be facing backward not long after you hit the gas.
Just because the apocalypse struck, doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy life. Take in the blood-red sunset. Stop and smell the flowers. Play games with your friends (like this epic zombie escape room game). However, if you see the red dripping off of the roses, run.
While you will not want to fight with it (see Rule #9), you can eat dinner with it, whittle stakes with it, and use it to build traps to warn you of incoming zombies. Best of all, it takes up almost no space (See Rule #7).
What other rules would you add to this impressive set regarding survival during the zombie apocalypse?